Where does anger come from?
Anger stems from fear.
When you get angry, it means someone or something has threatened you, and this threat causes you to feel afraid. You might encounter a situation that you don’t feel able to address with confidence. Anger then becomes an attempt to intimidate the other person.
Here’s are a few questions I want you to ponder…
Why do you often find yourself stuck reliving the past, not able to live fully in the present?
Why can’t you let go?
What keeps you angry?
I see this all the time with my coaching clients and often I hear the answer… “I don’t know.”
If you are going to break through, you are going to have to move out of denial and get honest with yourself. Saying you don’t know keeps you stuck doing and feeling the same thing over and over again.
And I had to overcome this myself.
So, let me walk you through the 5 reasons people can’t seem to shake anger and move on.
You Are Seeking Control.
Whether it is in your marriage, or at your place of employment, or in your social circle… you want to be in charge. You don’t want anyone else telling you what to do or how to act or where to go.
Because of faulty role models or negative events you’ve experienced, somewhere along the line you learned that yelling or threatening others was one way to get your own way. Anger might get someone to do what you insist, but there are so many other, more positive, ways to influence others.
You Are A Victim.
You tell yourself it’s not your fault. The reason you’re so angry is someone else’s fault. You’d be happy and serene if only you didn’t have to put up with such ignorant, irritating people. You have a right to be angry… How else could you be expected to respond to such behavior?
Or perhaps you feel like a martyr. You’re doing the lion’s share of the work. You’re sacrificing your time and energy for someone, and he or she doesn’t seem to recognize it. You certainly don’t receive gratitude or appreciation for all you do. How else are you supposed to feel but angry?
If you feel like a victim, you choose not to take risks. You stay in a place of inaction, and this way you avoid confrontation and stay powerless.
You feel others are out to get you, so you become defensive and self-absorbed. You have a “poor me” attitude, and you see others as better than you. A victim has very little self-confidence and takes little or no initiative.
If you see yourself in these descriptions, it’s time to take a step back and look at things objectively. The bottom line here is that you have relinquished responsibility for your own actions. You’re playing the blame game…
AND that’s a game you’ll never win!
Nothing will ever change until you recognize that you are the only one who can do something about you and your feelings.
You Have Poor Self-talk.
Whether you’re a business owner, a parent, a teacher, or an employee… being able to articulate your ideas and feelings clearly and honestly is an important skill to cultivate.
However, by far the most important person you communicate with is you. Self-talk is the way you communicate with yourself and it determines the way you communicate with others.
Take a moment and think about how you communicate with yourself.
- • Do you get frustrated with yourself?
- • Do you judge yourself?
- • Can you receive a compliment?
- • Do you feel unworthy?
- • Do you deserve success?
Your unconscious mind does not separate fact from fiction. It will do exactly what you teach or train it to do. That’s the way it’s been conditioned. If your self-talk is below par, you’ll continue to do the same thing over and over, and no matter how promising situations look at the outset, you’ll end up disappointed again.
Begin to let go of limiting thoughts and doubts. When you do this, you will gradually learn to upgrade your self-talk. This will become a new and powerful habit.
Just watch the new patterns emerge in your life!
You Are “Feelings Resistant.”
If you are not able or willing to express your emotions… your anger is a mask that protects you from allowing yourself to feel deeply.
Somehow you’ve gotten the idea that feelings are negative, a sign of weakness. In your mind anger seems powerful, while expressing sadness or even deep joy appear weak and even dangerous. Your anger has become so much a part of you that it actually feels safe.
Your anger acts as a barrier between you and the rest of the world. While your anger protects you from people and situations that might hurt you, it’s also protecting you from living life to the fullest. It might protect you from pain, but it also prevents you from experiencing joy, peace and love.
What would happen if you let go of your anger? You might find yourself hurt or abandoned or betrayed, at least for a time. But you just might find yourself fully alive, in love with life and experiencing the richness of intimacy.
You Are Addicted To Anger.
This may sound shocking to you, but just as a person becomes addicted to drugs or alcohol, you can become addicted to being angry.
This may seem like a strange addiction.
With drugs or alcohol, people usually enjoy the way they feel, at least initially. But who enjoys being angry?
Well…you do. There is a certain adrenaline rush that accompanies angry outbursts that is powerful… and addictive.
It’s not so much that you like being angry…
… And you might not feel good at all. You might feel awful and ashamed of yourself, but the powerful sensation, the strong feeling is intense… actually exciting in a way.
This “anger rush” is so addictive because at least when you’re angry, you feel alive.
The blood is coursing through your veins.
You experience a surge of energy.
When the anger subsides, life goes back to being dull, boring, flat. You’ve become emotionally dependent on your anger.
Breaking the Cycle
The important question is…
“How can I break this cycle?”
It comes down to this… you must overcome the events that shape those feelings. This requires that you address why you do what you do. When you start to address why you do what you do, it’s important to do it objectively. This means without blaming people from your past and without being so judgmental because you can’t possibly move into any state of ease or prosperity in that state of mind.
It’s a one day at a time process.
Give yourself the space to develop new habits and a new identity. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
As you develop a new mindset, release any regret over the time you’ve wasted being angry and miserable.
Regret paralyzes you.
Instead… begin to live in the solution… one day at a time!